It was supposed to numb the pain. It was supposed to make me forget. Who would've thought that heartbreak can cause actual physical pain? A single chord of a song can trigger such strong emotions that I had so bravely tried to bury. You have to understand that this is not easy for me. Being so attached with your loving family and your enigmatic self and the very idea of a forever and ever with you. I must still be in denial. I miss you still. PS - I hope your grandmother gets better. She asked us if we were next, remember? But then, I guess not..

I re-read the March 21 entry I wrote four years ago. FOUR. Uncanny. It's like I never learn.

I did some research on interpersonal communication theories and found an article about why people always make the same mistakes. Apparently people have largely unconscious preconceptions that guide our romantic choices and it is only by becoming aware of the kind of story we have about love that we gain the freedom to create more fulfilling and lasting relationships. As long as we remain oblivious to the role our stories play, we are likely to repeat the same mistakes again and again. However, it also states that though our stories drive us, we can revise them and learn to love the partners whose stories are compatible with our own.

Then I found another article that says denial in our ability to change breeds self-defeating behaviours making it part of who you are: inescapable, inevitable and stereotypical.

[http://www.slowleadership.org/blog/2009/02/why-do-we-keep-making-the-same-mistakes/]

Reflecting back, I think I have come a long way from simply whining about my problems. Today, I'm mature enough to realize that no problem is unsolvable, no mistake unfixable. Today, I can give myself time to identify the obstacle that was in the way in allowing me (and my relationships) to grow. I can take a step back and think about what I want, what I need and what's important.

I think it is only in realizing that people are not infallible but have the immense capacity to change. And I am testament of that.

The previous relationship I had broke apart because we failed to nurture, encourage and appreciate it. We let our stories go their own ways instead of writing them together. We let the passion fizzle out with the lack of care and the lack of time.

Now, realizing that I have to change to be a better person and a better partner, I might be ready to take the next step towards a happier and more fulfilling life.

I just hope, from the bottom of my heart, that he sees this determination I have to resolve, learn and love.

Maybe if he does, he will be willing to take those steps with me.

"I wonder if you're missing me as much as I am missing you."

Fading..

I can't write you down and put you on this page, no matter how hard I try
I can't find the words to explain you, to say who you really are
Time and time again I sit down to write of you, but I can never find the words

If I put you down on paper, will you lose your meaning to me, will you become less to me
The great fear is that you already have
Memories fade much too quickly, no matter how hard you try they still fade

Your smile, the way you hold me, your laugh,
The way you walk, your voice, the way you look at me
They're all fading from my mind no matter how hard I try

All that's left is the empty spot where you used to be in my memory
How could I forget you? Maybe not all of you, just the little things

Come back, rest here, fill your spot in my memory
Why couldn't we stay the way we were, why did the world have to get in the way
I can't write you down and put you on this page, no matter how hard I try

Come home to me, come play in my memory

.. our lips first met
.. I realized that this feeling just wouldn't stop growing
.. the future stopped looking so scary now I have you
.. you told me about a flying licence ;P
.. you talked to my mum
.. I just melt (when I'm in your arms, when you start sweet talking, when you kiss my nose.. or my forehead.. or my cheek, when you apologize..)
.. we stayed out that whole night in Brisbane.. just the two of us, holding hands.. just talking..
.. I noticed my heart actually answers to your call (it does, baby)
.. I fell in love with the OC.. and Never Gone..
.. I inhaled and smelled you..
.. I woke up the middle of the night to see you dialing your room number, half-asleep, to look for me, without knowing I was on the bed next to yours
.. you promptly fell asleep right after I was back in your arms
.. you get frustrated when you can't fix the problem
.. my soul feels sad just because you are
.. my heart found a home
.. I finally feel complete

I think I've found you.

I love you.

Hey what do you think of me now
Am I not like I once were
Still if you dont know me
What's the story of this pen
I guess you're not a stranger
And I can tell you're not a friend
It might take a while but, I guess I'll manage waiting till then.
Then when you confront me with your thought.

You may think I don't notice, don't get a bit hurt by what you do
I ask you to please think of
What I've done to you.
Please search inside and let me know
If I've done something wrong I guess I'll go
Far hidden
Never to be found
Just let me know, then I'll go
Then I'll go ...


I guess its back to being alone.

It hasn't hit me yet.

It isn't your fault.. I just am =(

Goodnight world.

My hands are grip either side of the sink.. holding on as if I'd collapse if I let go.. Red, overdrawn eyes stared back at me with malice. And confusion. With what I'd just done. Fingers curled into angry fists but my empty stomach just wouldn't give in. My head felt heavy. My whole body felt heavy. The empty toilet echoed with the drip drip drip of the sink. The sound was hurting my head. But my heart was hurting even more.

The first and last. Never again.

I blocked everyone.

I just checked the past postings and just saw the comments that random jerk posted up.

Maybe its true =(